I've fallen for the basement. No, really.

It was a cold Chicago night, 1976 the year of America's bi-centennial.  My mom was in a great deal of pain and I was chargin' through!  Wait...what?  Ok ok that T.V. show clip then.  I guess I need a better intro.

It was a bright sunny February post-birthday and also happy Friday to me!  Us kids were having a swell time doing various kid things.  Mostly dancing and playing dress up (they were, I liked my clothes) and begging for candy.  I was fixing lunch and got a knock on the door to find a PRESENT for ME!  Oooo!  It really was my birthday week!  I opened the box to find the most glorious surprise from that sneaky Goose!  The very thing I am typing on at this moment.  A CHROMEBOOK! If you don't know what it is, I suggest you do a google search and figure it out.  Or here, I will help.  Click here for Chromebook awesomeness.  I will wait.
Disclaimer: This is mine.  You won't get THIS beautiful little thing, you'll be shipped another like it.


Now for some old lady wisdom

As I sit here on the fantastic day of my birth, I think back to last year when I was sulking and sad and unhappy that I was turning 30.  I did NOT have a birthday week.  I did NOT want people to know.  I did NOT EVEN want treats!  I  realized not too long after, that just because I am 30 doesn't mean I am ANY different than I was at 29, or 24 for that matter.  I am still a complete retard for marching bands.  I am still fanatical about Back to the Future.  I still love chocolate.  I still get ID'd.  I find myself hilarious even if no one else does, and often laugh at my own cheesy jokes.  I have learned a lot of things over my old age and last year taught me that I am only as old as I act.  I will now share some things I have learned.  And some wisdom.  It's probably not really wisdom but I decided they are so add this to your Chinese Proverbs.

1. Even though I have come to grips with it, saying "I'm 31." is still not fun to say.  Though I haven't had to say it yet, I know it's not fun.
2. Laughter IS the best medicine, which is why I dose myself up pretty good on a daily basis.
3. Learning to love exercise is hard, but now I am kinda obsessed with it.
4. HOWEVER, I hate starting my workout, but when I am done I am SO GLAD I went ahead and did it.  Procrastinating only brings guilt.  A lot of the times I have to slap myself in the face and say "SUCK IT UP WEENIE, YOUR FATS WON'T GO AWAY ON THEIR OWN!"  My reward is the chocolate protein shake afterwards, so I win twice!
5.  Sleep is important, or else your eyeball will turn pink all over and make you look like you have the worst case of pink-eye ever and then they will feel like sandpaper is scraping your retinas every time you blink.
6. Freaking out over small stuff is stupid.
7. Freaking out over friends who screw you over is stupider.  If they were a real friend, they'd not treat you that way in the first place.  Drama is not for this mama. "Fool me once, shame on me.  Fool me twice, see ya never again jerk."  It's worked pretty well for me.  I don't have weirdos constantly complaining, the people in my life are awesome and that keeps me happy.
8. Snakes are STILL scary, even from the safety of the television.
9. There ARE ghosts, and I think one likes to mess with my wood stove.  It's ok because I think it just wants to roast marshmallows and who am I to say no to that?
10. Sitting in one place too long makes your butt fall asleep and when you get up to try to walk you look like a convulsing invalid.  Is that even a good description?  It is now.
11. Being sad/mad is ok, but don't post EVERY SINGLE upset all over every social network platform out there.  It just makes you look like a raging hormonal dingdong.  Just cry it out over an episode of Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice -- and eat chocolate.  That always helps.
12. With today's technology no one knows how to spell or punctuate properly anymore.
13. Yep, salad is still my favorite meal.
14. You'd think after so long I would not cry at the death of Mufasa, but I still do and will not stay in the room during that scene.  And also Homeward Bound.
15. My dog is the best little animal I ever had and she knows it.  She's the most perfect, and I can't bear the thought of her not being here one day.  Also, she's really hilarious and acrobatic too.  Nothings cuter than getting up in the morning to get ready for work to find her back in bed under the covers with just her butt sticking out because she's "not ready to wake up yet".  Guarantees a smile to start my day.  Good pets take years off your life.
16. Car concerts are the best, when driving alone anyway.  I think I am an amazing singer while driving.
17. It takes a long time to make a marriage happy like the old folk, but when you get there its awesome.  Those oldies know what it takes, and they do it.  That's why they are still together and they didn't quit when it got hard.  I get to be one of those old folk.  We earned it. :)
18. Family is still family no matter how far away.  Same with friends.  The interwebs these days make it easier to keep up then if you lived in the same town!
19. I still get extremely side-tracked.  I still love it. It's like a surprise when I remember what I was going to do. I like surprises. Except surprise snakes.
20. Milk chocolate is still not very good.  I mean, I won't discriminate if that's all that is around but lets be honest.  It's not as good as pure super dark, I'm talking 80% or more, chocolate melting on your tongue to soothe a rough day away.
21. Kids are funnier than me, so I steal some of their jokes.
22. Smart phones make really dumb auto corrects and I find it absolutely hilarious.
23. I am still freakishly obsessed with real estate, drawing up houses, and stalking google maps.  I mean, its an every day thing for me.  Better that than drugs I guess.  I think in my next life I am supposed to do this.
24. Eating green/organic makes your whole aura happy and not murky.
25. Free is free, and you better take it when you can get it.  I love free, and $2.97 clearance racks.  I save SO.MUCH.MONEY (that I can spend somewhere else!).
26. Kids repeat everything you say, so make sure its something off-the-wall to make other people laugh.
27. Cooking is not as scary as it used to be.  Burning myself is still as easy though.
28. Music is part of your soul.  You can't have one without the other.  Or you shouldn't...otherwise you are just a zombie and I'm going to have to chop your head off.
29. Oceans are soothing and everyone needs to get to one sometime in their life, to know what true peace feels like.
30. Dancing in the house to music is freeing, and no one thinks you are an idiot because they can't even see you!
31.  Life is too short to be bitter about anything.  Someone out there has bigger problems than you and are probably keeping their chin up about it.  Smile, cuz smile wrinkles are IN!


Wisdom of a toddler

While sweeping up the floor, and telling them to pick their feet up:
"Whoa Bri! You almost died me!"

While having snacks of grapes, to which I said they could hold the bag but they better share because I got them for everyone:
"We bettah share these because Bri got these for eberyone and if we don't share, she is gonna frow dem way and we will neber eber eber get gwapes again!"

On exercise:
"Well kids, I have to do my abdominals."---"Ad Dominoes! You don't have that game, I do!"
"I need to do ecca-size!" *after 15 seconds* "Oh! I so sweaty, this wears me out!"
"I gotta work out wishu!"

"Oh Bri, the emailman came, go getchur email!"

During an intense game of dress-up:
"Don't look at my buttcrack while I change!"
"Look at my pwincess dwess! I look faaaaaabluss!"
"Yes you look paantastic!"
"Sipperman to da rescue! Gotta save Bri!"

On birthdays:
"My mom will buy you presents!"
"MY mom will buy you chocolate and pie and chocolate and candles and meatballs."
"Look I made you this prize! Lemme open it for you! PRIIIIIZE!"

On music:
"You gotsta play Adele! She my favorite, play Roll inna deep"
"Oh dis my favorite song! Turn it up!"
"You come dance with me, hold my hand, we jump!"
"You! AND DONNA! Y-O-U! You wanna!"

Toddlers are tech savvy:
"I neeeed yo phone to play angee birds."
"I can take a pic-sha on yo phone, I know how."
"I wanna type on the pu-wer!"
*my phone makes a noise* "Oh Bri! It's yo email!"

On being a kid:
"I can't have dat cup because it's glass and I am not a dot, I just a kid."
"We don't eber eber touch knives because they will cut our pingers off."
"We gotta eat alllllll our food so we can have big muscles and ecca-size with Bri!"
"I neeeeeed some snack Bri!" (I say one minute) "But I being so patnient Bri! Paitnient means to wait."

When the smoke detector goes off (while messing with the woodstove downstairs):
"What was dat noise Bri!"
"The smoke detector, it's ok"
"Dat was so loud! You better get K, I woke him up and then that noise went HONK HONK in the bedroom and made him sad. Go get him. He being too loud."

On injuires:
"I hurt mysess, you need to take me to da hospital cuz I'm dying."

Potty training:
"Don't use ALLLL the toilet paper, we don't have money for more." "We don't wanna break the pot."
"Come wipe me Bri, I pooped.   I pushed it out really hard!"
"I love pooping." (these kids are weird ;) )

On being best friends:
"Gimme hug, fwend!"
"I share dis with you cuz I lub you so much!"
"Let's hide from Bri and jump out, she be so scared!" "Okay!" *insert maniacal laughter*
"I take your picture, you say cheese!" "Cheese!" "That's a keeper!"
"You my best fwend, she my best fwend, he my best fwend, mommy's my best fwend, daddy's my best fwend...we ALLLLL best fwends!"

Tiny Human adventures in taste testing.

Did you know that giraffes sleep 20 minutes to 2 hours PER DAY? WHAT THE CRAZINESS? I could never be a giraffe.  I can't/won't force insomnia upon myself for any reason, especially to be a tall lanky giraffe with a 21 inch black tongue.  PFFFT.  Forget that.  Plus, I don't meet  the height requirements to join their species.

Lions though, they rest for up to 21 hours a day.  I can dig that.  I mean hey, you are the King of Pride Rock.  You deserve to lay around and have gazelles fan you with palm leaves and have zebras just kill themselves in sacrifice for your consumption.  I bet whoever named them knew that fun fact, and hence deemed them lions.  Because they are just always lion around. *rim shot* Ba dum ching!

A pretty typical lunch conversation with the tiny humans:

PG:  What's this Bri?
B: Grilled chicken.
PG: Oh Bri! You the best! I love chicken!
B: Do you want to try something new?
P&P: What?
B: How bouuuut...BBQ sauce, do you like that?
PG: Yep, I like that, put some here. *points to specific spot on plate*  YAY! I will dip my apple in it!
B: Uh, probably better to dip your chicken in it.
PJ: I want some of that sauce!
B: Okay, here's some for you too.  Taste it!
PG: Oh, that's good Bri!  But it's hot.
B: No silly, its cold!  But it's not spicy, I checked.
PJ: *makes disgusted face* Uh Bri, thas gross.
B: *giggles* Okay, here's some ketchup too.

I respectively put two piles of "sauce" on their plates for the chicken, and went on to fix my lunch.  I made a Dijon crusted chicken.  With the rice wine vinegar and Dijon mustard leftover from the pan, I made a little sauce for dipping my chicken in.  Jealous? Maybe you should be, because I have just recently tapped into my inner Julia Child.  Childs? Ok, just kidding.  I don't really know her well enough to know how to say her name.  Let's try Rachael Ray.  No, too annoying.  I don't love butter, and am not a granny so I can't love Paula Deen.  Oh, I KNOW! What's her name. *snaps*  Giada De Laurentiis.  I like her, I pick her.  I just recently tapped into my inner Giada and am whipping up recipes like I went to ghetto culinary school.

(Note: I can make a dip out of ANYTHING.  Wanna have salsa, but none here? No big, let me just open up this can of diced tomatoes and oh, hey let me throw some of this sliced cheese on it and nuke it.  Bam!  Fake rotel!  This is also why we can't have cheese in the house, because it goes straight to my microwave and I eat it all before it gets used for what it was bought for.)

PJ: What did you just make Bri? You give me some, sure?
B: Oh, this is good! I don't know if I should share.
PJ: *cocks head to the side and gives a sly look*  Oh, yes you should!  Lemme taste it!  *sticks finger in and takes a small taste* Oh, das good Bri!
PG: Lemme taste it too, please! *sticks finger in and tastes* I like that!
B: Would you all like a piece of chicken with it on it?
P&P: Oh, yes here! *points*

As they chewed the chicken, the rice wine vinegar settled in on their tiny human taste buds and I got the greatest sour faces I ever saw.  Although they ate that piece without spitting it out, they declined another taste.  However, mixing the BBQ sauce WITH the ketchup seems perfectly reasonable.  And absolutely disgusting.

The rest of our lunch conversation was about the dentist.  PG is going for the first  time today and wanted to know what they do.  So I, as any good person should, told her that if she let the dentist see her teeth and she was very very good she'd probably get a sucker.  I also told her the dentist will tell her she can have that sucker but she doesn't need TOO much candy.  Her mission should she choose to accept (or remember it) is to tell that dentist, "I'll be good and let you look in my mouth for a sucker, but I can't have too much sugar!"  So naturally she's stoked to go see the dentist because hey, free candy!