I will tackle you to the ground

There are just some things you will fight anything and everyone for.  I call it being passionate about what you love.  *shifty eyes*  Or crazy.

I was your typical preteen though my parents would maybe beg to differ.  OKAY FINE.  I was a nightmare from the time I was mobile/vocal.  I made them question their sanity and ability to survive another child if it turned out like me.  Eventually they gave up and had two more kids but luckily for the parents they were a bit tamer than me.  To call me over dramatic is an understatement.

One lazy preteen Saturday I was feeling extremely needy for some chocolate.   It was probably that time where a girl craves salty and sweet more often and I was looking for some chocolate to fulfill my needs.  Any chocolate would do.  Usually, I would find my mom and throw myself on the floor and roll around whine until she told me I was weird and send me on a frantic quest in the kitchen.

My mom was in the kitchen this time, and I walked in there prepared to throw myself down right there in the kitchen floor in desperation.  She had just finished cleaning something up and I supersighed to get her to turn around.

*supersigh*
"MOOOOOOOOM, do we have any chocolate?  I NEEEED IT.  I am just going to DIE!"

She turned with a guilty look on her face.  She had just taken a bite.  Of a cookie.  A chocolate chip cookie.  I dropped my jaw right on the floor as she shrugged.  With her mouth full, she said  "I'm sorry!  This is the last one! But you can have a bite of it."

Then it happened.  She held the cookie out, and I was prepared to say NO! ITS NOT THE SAME in a dramatic fashion when a lowly chocolate chip FLEW out of the cookie and in slow mo I watched it fall to the floor.  At the same time I saw it hit the floor, so did my Miniature Sheltie.  We looked at each other, me and the dog, but more me at her.  She started for that chocolate chip and I dove for the ground, grabbed the dog by the neck and put her in a half neslon just at the second her tongue was about to stick out and lap up the chocolate chip.  I screamed "NO! MY CHOCOLATE CHIP!", held the dog down and picked up the chocolate chip.  Though it felt like a 10 minute struggle it was only .002 seconds.

My mom, who was watching of course, nearly dropped her cookie right out of her hand.  Her eyes popped right out of her head and said "BRI! YOU ARE NOT GONNA EAT THAT OFF THE--"

In triumph I stuck that chocolate chip right in my mouth from the floor, and millimeters from the dogs tongue.  I didn't care.  It was a chocolate morsel.  I assume the look of bliss came over my face and it was comical to her.  That or she was wondering what she did wrong in raising me, that I would wrestle a dog to the ground for a teeny tiny chocolate chip.  Or maybe it was the whole scenario that played out in front of her eyes while she was trying to chew her first bite of cookie.  Whatever it was, she doubled over in hysterical laughter and could barely speak the words.

"Good Lord, Bri!" *howling cackles* "I could have given" *snorts and laughs* "You the rest" *chokes on bite and continues to giggle* "of this cookie!"  *hysterical fits of uncontrollable laughter*

"No, I just wanted the chocolate, I am good now."  I said, and walked out of the kitchen leaving my mom to pee her pants in privacy.

You ever try to each a three-year-old a joke?

Because you SHOULD.  Ever try to teach two three-year-olds a joke?  Even.better.  Unless you are the type of person who gets annoyed about repeating yourself over and over for an hour trying to get them to say it right.  You'd think the joke would lose all funniness, but no.  No it does not.  However I am a rare breed and I find things funny decades later no matter how stupid it is.  Like you'd think I wouldn't find it hilarious when Tom Hanks in his ill-fitted tuxedo is at that fancy banquet chewing on a baby corn like it's real corn on the cob.  But I do.  I REALLY do.  

Even funnier is when their parents are sending you texts asking you what in the world their kid is talking about.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY KID?!?"  "Why is my kid talking about marine life while slapping her knees in giggle fits?  I don't get it, lets make it a bug."

Okay, no that wasn't really said.  But what WAS said was "Do you know how long it took me to get that joke?" and of course I laughed all over the floor like that rolling on the floor yahoo emoticon but with less roundness.

Are  you ready?

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
FSHHHH

*rim shot*  Thank you, I am here all week!

*beauty pageant waves*

What's that smell?

Last week I went to tan.  Nothing new or interesting about that.  I walked in, said hi and probably asked for an upgrade on the bed.  As we were discussing my bed arrangements, a feller came skipping down the hall loudly interrupting us.  For future references we will call him spaz attack. 

"Can you do my back?" he said.  I looked around HOPING he wasn't asking me, I don't even know who he is!  He wandered around behind the counter, and obviously couldn't see the sign saying not to, on account of his sunglasses being on INSIDE.  His shirt was missing...I think he lost it in the hallway during his cheer routine.  After he was told to "step back sir" he again asked to be rubbed down.  She said she would after she cleaned my bed.  He decided then he should maybe go pee while he's waiting.  As he cart-wheeled down the hall I looked at workerbee and contemplated making fun of him but wasn't sure if he was a buddy or not.  However, I am fairly sure I made an "is-he-for-real?" face.


My bed got cleaned, and as workerbee came out to tell me, spaz attack came running down the hall, arms flailing, screaming like he was being chased by a drone of hornets.

"EW! OMG THAT BATHROOM IS RANCID IN THERE!"

Workerbee, quick  to reply asked "Did ya poop?" to which spaz attack said "EW! NO I did NOT!"  Thank my lucky stars my bed was ready because I was not sure I could handle any more of this guys crack rush.  As I was walking back, I heard him pleading saying "I just shaved my back, so its okay.  Please?"  *chokes back vomit*

Let me channel my inner Fraulein Maria

and sing "These are a few of my favorite THIIIIINGS!  WHEN THE DOG  BI-Bi-bites..."    *shifty eyes* 

Summer is practically here, and that means that there are certain products I need and can't live without during the warm times.  If I lived near the ocean though, these things would be staples.  Okay, this is kind of a girly post so boys...thanks for looking but nothing to see here, move on.  Unless you LIKE girly things and then by all means, stick around!  

I am not going to talk tanning stuff because for me, I haven't found a FAVORITE lotion and to be honest I use whatever my tanning salon gets in that year.  And I use spf 50 on my face and shoulders outside anyway, and I don't think the brand matters so long as you protect your skin.  Get a really good base tan by going slow and using high spf's and by all means, don't get burnt! Use a sunblock until you get your base tan.  Protect your skins, peeps...you only get one epidermis.  That's the end of my PSA.

baseball talk on a smart phone

...and some other random chitchat, but mostly its about baseball because well I like to watch baseball, and I like to chat Dustbuster about it.  Sometimes though, autocorrect doesn't like baseball players names.

me

Why did futile have that oven mitt on?

12:56 PM

Dustbuster

I didn't see it

me

I knew you are a terribly fan and don't watch

He had a big mitten on over his batting glub

When he was on base

1:00 PM

Dustbuster

Wooooohoo

me

Don't pretend you are watching

Dustbuster

I always pretend

me

That guy just missed the ball

Dustbuster

he did that last time we played them too

1:09 PM

me

Its was nice that Freese got a hr on hims birfday

1:15 PM

Dustbuster
Woop taxi is on fire
me
I hope a taxi has a fire extinguisher, but yay for Yadi's hr! he's on fire!

1:56 PM

me

Haha that weirdo commentator is lolling about that old guy..harharharharhar he is SO FUNNY

Dustbuster

Ha!

me

Well they are kinda funny today!

Dustbuster

You are kinda funny

me

I try sometimes

Niiice jay

So shy and I went to the market jiggety jog

But I stopped at sonic for a lemon berry cream slush

And as im backing out....I look over and that dog was trying to stick her tongue in my cup for some cool whip!

Dustbuster

Did she drink it all?

me

I said what do you think you are doing you loony toon!?!?!?

2:09 PM

me

No I scooped out some cool whip for her but she wasn't getting my slush

2:10 PM

me

I don't get that negative goatee on bogged. boggs

2:14 PM

me

Tag. You're it.

Dustbuster

You would look funny with one

2:16 PM

me

I already have a negative goatee basically

Dustbuster

Sociopolitical...i don't get it

me

Im not political at all

Dustbuster

Oh

me

Nice base hit

Dustbuster

Ur a base hit

2:22 PM

me

So when we went to M's wedding , and met his wife, she said we should go to KC and hang out...then she said maybe a ball game....

I said....i'll only go in my cardinals shirt.

She said...ok i'll wear mine too!

And then we high dived about it :)

Well. Highfived

Dustin

AhahAa

ahaaahaaaa

from the top board no doubt

me

I haven't jumped off the high dive in a loooong time

Dustin

Me too

I'd like to

me

Banana that pitchers reaction! He just

Stomped around. I love it

Dustin

Ahaha

I can't see

me

Who poked your eye out?

2:26 PM

me

Did you vote for allstate the other day? I got an email and I voted my 25 slotted times.

Uh. Allstars

And alloted

2:33 PM

me

I tell you. Skip must have the weekend off from his game throwing 

Dustbuster

HE HELPED WIN THE WORLD SERIES

me

He was paid to help win

If he throws all the games then every one would be on to him and know he was getting paid under the table by the mafia 

So he only throws some games
Dustbuster
hangs head

2:36 PM

me

That's how he gets all this money on the side....so he can afford all those 'oblique dr visits' which I think is code for 'trips to jamaica'

2:37 PM

Dustbuster

You live in a strange fantasy world

2:41 PM

me

Listening to yadi talkis absolutely fascinating

They just interviewed him and they asked something or other

And he said

"Well we habing fun, and when we habing fun we do guuud and so das what we do we juss habing fun..."
 But he really looks like he wants to say, "leeb me alone I need to sower, I smeeel"

Dustbuster

Ahah so is furcal

He's number. 5

Indium not trying to compare him to pujols

I'm saying he's better than #1

#.5
me
well i still dunno what you say
Dustbuster
Taxi is #1
me
Actually yadi is #4

He's the best. I already told you this long ago. He is my fren.

2:53 PM

Yu no tush me.

Now here's a little ditty about my technologically dependent life.

I am the worst at losing things, I mean the WORST.  Like that one time I lost my drink and couldn't remember where I put it, but it was right in there on the counter where I left it?  Okay, that happens all the time.  Or when I misplaced that belt, only to give up and find it in a suitcase a couple months later?  Or when I lost my brown flip flops and never found them so I gave up and bought a new pair, only to find that they had been shoved under the bookcase two weeks later?  Or oh, how about that time I lost my iPod and thought I had mistakenly knocked it off my desk into the trash and dumped it, only to find it 4 months later outside sitting on top of  the gutter recently revealed thanks to a rainstorm moving the leaves off of it and it had sat through snow and rain and still worked? I put my phone down where I shouldn't and need to have someone call me, just to find it in the couch cushions.

Me and my car concerts...

So here I was, driving all over the great state of Missouri because it was the night to pick up the chirren.  Okay, I can't call them chirren anymore.  The teenagers, EXCUUUUUSE ME!  We have quite a long drive so we usually have lots to talk about and catch up on and in between times, we sing.  They enjoy the car concerts right along with me.  I helped raise them right.

We like to skip songs we don't care to sing to and belt it out to the ones we do. It's our thing, back off okay?  The thing you gotta know is, I keep lots of "classics" on the ipod.  Things like LIVE, Bob Marley, Pearl Jam, Natalie Merchant, etc.  I like my songs diverse.  The next  thing you gotta know is, I CAN NOT, will not ever change it from Bohemian Rhapsody.  It's like the world stops and I force them to listen to it.  The first time I made them listen to the song they said I was weird and laughed violently at my  "Bismilah! NOOO! We will not let you go! LEMME GO! NO NO NEVER NEVER NEVER NO NO NO!"  These days, they know it word for word and sing right along with me.  I threatened to never buy them candy again til they learned the words.