Last week I went to tan. Nothing new or interesting about that. I walked in, said hi and probably asked for an upgrade on the bed. As we were discussing my bed arrangements, a feller came skipping down the hall loudly interrupting us. For future references we will call him spaz attack.
"Can you do my back?" he said. I looked around HOPING he wasn't asking me, I don't even know who he is! He wandered around behind the counter, and obviously couldn't see the sign saying not to, on account of his sunglasses being on INSIDE. His shirt was missing...I think he lost it in the hallway during his cheer routine. After he was told to "step back sir" he again asked to be rubbed down. She said she would after she cleaned my bed. He decided then he should maybe go pee while he's waiting. As he cart-wheeled down the hall I looked at workerbee and contemplated making fun of him but wasn't sure if he was a buddy or not. However, I am fairly sure I made an "is-he-for-real?" face.
My bed got cleaned, and as workerbee came out to tell me, spaz attack came running down the hall, arms flailing, screaming like he was being chased by a drone of hornets.
"EW! OMG THAT BATHROOM IS RANCID IN THERE!"
Workerbee, quick to reply asked "Did ya poop?" to which spaz attack said "EW! NO I did NOT!" Thank my lucky stars my bed was ready because I was not sure I could handle any more of this guys crack rush. As I was walking back, I heard him pleading saying "I just shaved my back, so its okay. Please?" *chokes back vomit*
Fast forward to this week, I am standing there asking again to use an upgraded bed (not because I am a beggar okay; because I have like 89034 free upgrades and I can, so BACK OFF) and workerbee says, sure let me go clean it. I begin to catch up on my WWF or Scramble or maybe it was Draw Something. I don't wanna lie to you four that read this, it was one of the three though I know. Anyway, I was probably watching a hilarious drawing of Lady GaGa in a meat dress, when I heard someone walking out on the phone. He hangs up, then asks "Can you do my back?" In horror, I looked up to see spaz attack, shirtless again and wearing his sunglasses rubbing lotion on his legs. I started to think he was robbed, and they stole all his tops because seriously...no shirt, no shoes, no service, yea? Workerbee says, "yeah let me go clean this bed".
I have a slight inner panic attack, as spaz attack starts talking to me when she leaves. Some places I am very anti-social and just don't want to be bothered. The tanning salon is one of them.
"Got my tan on" he says.
"Yep, that's usually what you do here" I say.
"Gotta do some laundry" he says.
Oh.my.lanta. You are one of THOSE guys. I shoulda known. *super sigh* I nodded and shot a quick message to Shrub about this guy, got back at guessing Lady GaGa and then...interrupted.
"Yeah, I'm going to Houston for a wedding, got family there."
"Yeah I used to live there, its really hot but not the dry heat, like sweaty hot."
The next one minute and 30 seconds were filled with fun facts about this guys life, though I didn't ask for them. He lived in Arizona, where it was a dry heat so that was groovy and he didn't have to go tanning at a salon. He worked some cool job at some car company selling things and making lots of money. He lived also in two other places I couldn't tell you because my brain fried and all I wanted to do was guess Lady GaGa on my game. He also told me about the 40+ acres he bought here because he's a baller, but he doesn't think he wants to put a pool in because he wouldn't be able to lay out by it because it gets too hot and muggy here and ew sweat. Even talking he couldn't help from bouncing around like a toddler.
I considered asking if he would like a gold star for living in so many places. How bout a little teeny trophy for being a car salesman or whatever he did? Mayhaps should I whip out a steroid injection from my bag as a prize for owning so many gallons of property in the middle of Nowhere, America? I bet this guy showers 6 times a day too. I mean, who puts on lotion IN THE SALON after a tan? More importantly ... why does a dude do that? I just don't get these kinds of dudes. Maybe some girls think its cool and sexy, I do not. I am not impressed by your shirtless, i-wear-my-shades-inside-to-be-mysterious, money-making persona. In fact, I teased Goose when he had to tan before Jamaica because it's comical to me to see boys in the tanning salon. Most boys just prefer to do yard work or something to get a tan. A farmers tan no less, but still. I understand the salon isn't sexist and allows everyone to tan their cheeks, but I just don't usually see boys in there, much less requesting after lotion...I don't even use after lotion! And that bottle is just a free sample anyway! FOR YOUR HANDS.
Instead I was just about to tell him "I really hate showering, I prefer the sweaty stank smell and don't get me started on clean hair! UGH!" when workerbee came out and told me the bed was clean and I was all set. She saved the day, I think.