It wants me for my retinas.

Goose and I bought a house back in 2003.  Our house was a really old 2 bed/1 bath house.  We bought it with intent to completely remodel the whole thing.  In fact within the first hour of getting the keys I had started ripping out the carpet all like the incredible hulk on an angry rampage.  I had plans for this house. I had plans to get a dishwasher installed, to redo the floors in the kitchen.  I had plans to turn that god-awful bathroom into a nice one and move that washer and dryer out of it.  For the time, we lived within a remodel-in-progress. 

I had this wonderful job where I had a three hour lunch break.  Jealous? You should be.  I didn't have a car so I walked EVERYWHERE.  It was a five minute walk from my house to work.  On my break I would leave work, walk for an hour, tan when I needed to, come home and clean and shower and still have rest time before work.  It was totally perfect.    

This fateful day, I was at home after all my walking.  I got on the computer first because duh,  that's closer to the front door than the bathroom was.  I am a huge procrastinator even when I have to go.  I was doing the pee-pee dance in my chair and I just couldn't hold it anymore.  I took off running to the bathroom like I usually do, probably yelling at myself  about needing to just go ahead and buy some depends.  I opened the door to the bathroom and hear a noise that sounded odd.  There was this HUGE black demon bird in between the blinds and the window pane, flapping like crazy to get out.  So naturally I started screaming "the birds! THE BIRDS!" and that was really dumb because it angered the pterodactyl.  HA! I had an idea!  I shut the door and ran as fast as I could back to the living room, leaving my insane dog Sadi to fend for herself in the bathroom.

I called Goose, interrupting him in the middle of class to tell him to "come home and get this giant vulture-sized bird out of my bathroom before it pecks my eyes out!  Haven't you seen that movie BIRDS? They are the devil!" He was laughing hysterically at me because I really was afraid this bird.  I was not amused at his laughter over my eyeball protection.  He obviously didn't see the ostrich coming straight for my throat.  He told me to open the back door and let the bird just "fly out".  What! That's your plan? Let the albatross just fly out?  He was no help at all so I told him if I died, I love him.  As I hung up I heard him still laughing.  *glares*

I braved myself up enough to go back into the bathroom to let this bird out.  I opened the door to find Sadi Dog had found a way to jump up on top of the dryer, onto a pile of clothes, and was on her hind legs trying to get up into the top of the bathroom closet. She was doing crazy balancing act! I got her down and tried to coax the pelican out, only  to find out that it was gone!  Gone I say!  I looked around to see that it had pecked a hole into the dryer hose and tore it completely open and that's how it had made its way in and out. GREAT.  Now we have to buy a new dryer hose because this jerk of a bird who doesn't even belong inside jail-broke out.  I guess I should be grateful, dryer hoses are cheaper than prosthetic eyes.

I left the bathroom door open because Sadi Dog was not done investigating.  I made my way back to the computer and continued on my merry way.  Typing important notes I am sure.  Then all of the sudden, Sadi Dog comes running as fast as she could from the bathroom into the living room, crow right in front of her!  I went ducking for cover and thought..."I am going to die!  I am not going to make it back to work and they are going to send out a search party for me and find my remains and a giant raven with red eyes holding my Sadi Dog in its beak".  This was how my life was going to end.  At the hands of a giant man-eating bird.  I regained myself  and I tried to get this great heron to the back door and failed miserably to do so. Again, it had completely disappeared.  I couldn't believe I was dealing with a  Level 7 wizard-black swan hybrid with an invisibility cloak!  I had to go back to work and had gotten nothing done.  I was devastated, knowing that this flamingo would be in my house probably crapping everywhere.

I forgot to put Sadi Dog in the bathroom or the back porch, because why would I?  I came home from work a few hours later to find World War 3 had chosen my living room for its bomb sites.  DESTROYED!  There were pillows strewn on the floor, cushions moved, papers all over the floor, my flowers knocked over, my curtains ripped off the walls, it was a mess!  I was telling Sadi Dog that she better hurry up and help me clean up this mess she made.  Of course she just perked her one ear up and me and wagged her little nubby tail.  I stood up on the arm of the couch to put the curtain back up while asking Sadi Dog "did you even get video and who won?" when the eagle who had nested itself in my FAKE tree came at my head.  I started screaming again and hit the deck covering my eyes and throat.  Sadi Dog, who probably thought this was the best day ever, chased it into the kitchen and barked in joy that she trapped the blue winged teal and nodded to the upper storage cabinets.  I was so grossed out.  Poop all over my kitchen stuff I was sure.  I opened the back door to the screened porch.  I took a broom and poked in the general direction of the owl and shooed it out while protecting my life.  It finally flew out and went into the back porch but not before making another attempt to eat my precious tasty eyeballs.  All I could do was run like a madwoman out the door into the yard screaming while holding the back porch door open.  Luckily the little bluebird was so traumatized from the day with Sadi Dog that she flew out the screened door and to a high wire.  *sigh*  I looked around to see if anyone had seen me, and I didn't see anyone outside but that didn't mean they weren't spying on me through their windows. Watch out neighbors.  You never know what lurks behind your curtains. 


  1. Jealous? I have stories about you, don't you worry :)

  2. I yam so glad your retinas were not harmed in the making of this blogpost.